Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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