She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am never drinking with the goths again.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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