I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
