my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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