porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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