i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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