I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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