I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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