isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
