How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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