I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
