I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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