Already got asked if we're dating
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my shit smells like andre
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
