Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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