I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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