i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
