I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
