I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
