dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
