there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
