mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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