i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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