you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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