piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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