i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
