Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
