worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
