I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
