I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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