giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
