I cannot find my penis.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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