Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
