call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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