maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize