he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
