So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
