A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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