your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
