ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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