I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
