On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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