i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
