my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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