I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
