Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Quick, to the slutcave!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
