I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
