I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize