i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
