You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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