U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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