Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
