i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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