I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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