I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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