I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
