No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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