You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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