are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize