Plan B is the new Plan A
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
