I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
