OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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