I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
